my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
