Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
