I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
