So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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