just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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