If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
