the new term for farting is butt boxing.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
