im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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