Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
