Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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