I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
