i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
