The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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