wanna go halves on a baby?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
