took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
