3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
