Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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