i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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