my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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