I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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