You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
