This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
