Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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