So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
