I just cut my nipple shaving
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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