A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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