I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
