For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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