when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
