Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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