btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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