I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
