i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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