I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
