What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Randomize
