Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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