Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My bed smells like the plague
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
