I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
