How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
