Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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