My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
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