Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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