My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
do nipples grow back?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
