How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
