i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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