Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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