I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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