I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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