If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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