A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
