Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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