He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
