Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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